All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Found the puke drawer
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
