Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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