it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
my poor anus
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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