I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
