my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
