Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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