I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
