You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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