my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
