Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize