she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So here I am, sexting at work.
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