omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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