I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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