Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
