my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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