My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
