You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
