I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
