at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
