My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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