let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
