My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize