Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
did i just pee glitter
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
