my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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