I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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