I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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