Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
a search helicopter?!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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