Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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