Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
