I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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