Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
