A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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