Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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