They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
