i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
