So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
