I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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