the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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