she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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