This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
