is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
