He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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