New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need to calm my uterus...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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