Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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