just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
