i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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