go do what you do best...puke behind churches
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
