i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
