Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize