I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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