Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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