I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
