If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
