i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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