Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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