Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
