M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
