did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i barfeds in our rink
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Randomize
