I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
