i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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