The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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