I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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