I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
