wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
