I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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