dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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