Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
