I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
