you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
