you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
