You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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