I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
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