He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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