did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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