Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
