broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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